The
Rant
By Eric Weiss
After a season of unexpected success, Eric finally snaps and writes a classic summary of his year, my year, and plants the seeds to really kick my &%$! in 2000...
Originally
Posted: November 3, 1999
Okay,
things here suck for the moment.
At work, Mr. Human Excrement has met Mr. Fan, and they have created a
rather large mess that no one wants to clean up.
I have a friend who is trying to set me up with someone who lives 2 hours
away – I mean, lets get real!
How do you do that?
Should I suggest we meet at a hotel room?
I am helplessly behind on email to people who live North of Spokane
Washington, East of Vancouver, South of Kelowna..., I haven't mailed any sick,
disgusting, funny, annoying, perverse or obfuse (yeah I know it is not a word,
so sue me!)
items in so long that my mailman stopped by just to see if I was alive.
My pet rock died, bills are going through the roof, and I think I am
starting to have my period.... Lets just say things have been better.
I
spied Bob's magazine article earlier today, and figured this would be the
perfect way to amuse all of you and let out some of my aggression.
I was going to write a funny little piece, which would to take the slant
of "I am so wound up, Bob this, Bob that, I need to get away from Bob, so I
pick up a seemingly innocuous article and BAMM!
I get whacked in the face with more Bob Mina drivel.
There is just no getting away from this guy."
Instead, Bob beats me to the punch.
Since
Bob, if that is his real name, thinks that he has lost only 2 minutes of his
allotted 15 minutes of fame, let me remind him of all the other stuff he has
enjoyed this summer:
1.
Bob places 32nd overall on the Bike at Columbia.
This is better than enough to earn him a ticket to Nationals.
2.
Bob goes to Nationals.
Nuff said
3.
Bob writes an article, which is published, on Xtreme Tri.
4.
Bob writes an article, which is published across the nation in Metro
Sports.
5.
Bob gets paid for the article he wrote.
6.
(& 7).
Bob kicks my ass, handily, during our duel this year. (This is worth two,
believe me.)
8.
Bob gets engaged and some how his beloved doesn't know it is coming,
despite the fact that it is the worst kept secret of modern times.
9.
Bob 1, UPS 0 in a hard fought battle that goes into overtime.
10.
Bob gives a speech during the IMC Awards Banquet, and receives a standing
ovation.
11.
Bob
gets a new, fast, sleek, shiny new bike.
12.
Bob guests stars on Sesame Street, Letter G and Number 1 costar.
13. National Inquirer print photos of Bob and Prairie Dawn dancing the night away after he wins an Oscar.
14.
Bob is the primary subject, for the first section of an article about the
man who will contend for the Olympic Gold in the marathon.
Bob,
I am hereby informing you that your 15 minutes are up.
Please go to the back of the line.
Next lifetime, you will get another 15.
Somebody
please get me a bucket!
And then get me a gun and Bob's address.
Signed,
Just Some Guy